I am finding one of the hardest things about bed rest is letting go. Letting go of the housework, laundry, dishes and meals. Letting go of doing things myself and allowing others to serve me. In the process learning how not to feel bad or like an inconvenience.
One of the most difficult things for me to let go of is missing out on special moments with my sons. Aaron tries his best to accommodate when possible with the wheel chair, but there are many things where it just doesn’t work. I try to fight the bitterness, tears and mom-guilt from setting in, but can’t help wanting to be with them.
In large part it’s because some of what I am missing are their first times. With the boys only having been home eight months there is still so much that is new to them, especially the changing of seasons. The moments may seem small and insignificant, but they are moments I have dreamt of being a part of ever since I saw their little faces for the first time almost three years ago.
I am certain that I take it a lot harder than they do, partially do to hormones and perhaps sometimes they don’t even notice. Although, there have been the requests for mommy to come along and maybe just sit in the van, which melts my heart knowing they find comfort in me just being present.
Aaron took the boys to their first Fall Festival and apple orchard today. He could tell it was hard for me to stay behind although I encouraged them to go, because I knew how much fun the boys would have.
When they returned home the boys darted straight over by the couch and handed me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers! They were filled with so much excitement tripping on each other’s words telling me about everything they did and how they picked out the flowers just for me. Ethan immediately wanted the flowers in a vase and in the center of our dining room table. He told me take a picture of them, take a picture of them!
While they were gone I tried my best to offer up the hurt of not being with them. I thought of the prayers being said for our family, including prayers from all over the world by a family in France that I have never met.
I reminded myself of the important job I have. While often it may seem like I am doing nothing. I am sheltering and taking care of the littlest person in our family who is also in need of their mommy as well.
No matter the cross or trial light shines in the darkness and beauty overcomes the harshness, because God’s grace is always sufficient.