everyday Ann

living the ordinary seeing the extraordinary

Five Years

Five years ago today we landed on U.S. soil with the most beautiful (handsome) boys!! From the first picture I saw of them, their big brown eyes instantaneously melted my heart and there was no turning back. The tugging on my heart was so strong that even when all seemed lost and everything appeared against us, we had hope.

Hope that is only rooted in faith and complete trust in God’s divine providence. A hope that can only come about after being brought to my knees again and again. After copious tears and sleepless nights as I thought about my sons, oceans away and the longing to hold them.

A love so fierce and strong for two people I had never met, a love I didn’t know was possible. A mother’s love, as they truly grew in my heart. The labor pains were not physical or something that lasted a few hours, rather ones that permeated the depths of my being and lasted for years. Until finally the day came to meet them!

The adoption process was not easy for us to say the least, especially coming on the heels of our miscarriages. When the outlook was bleak I didn’t know if I could handle anymore, but God was truly present through it all. Small promptings, that some may write off as coincidence, but for us they were signs of God’s hand guiding us forward.

Once we arrived in Ghana there was nothing I longed to see more than their smiles and to hold them in my arms. Our stay in Ghana was another time of complete surrender, everything that could go wrong did, but somehow God’s peace prevailed. (I wrote about it a few months after returning home, Our Journey to Ghana, part 2, 3 and 4)

They gave me the title of “Mom”, which is both humbling and an honor. Adoption is not always easy, it is both messy and beautiful. It is something that can shake your inner most being as you try to imagine the heartache such small children experience, the overwhelming feeling they have as they adjust to a new country and a new way of life.

In just 5 short years you have amazed me with your enormous hearts, your zeal for life and your courageous spirit. The love you have for your siblings melts my heart daily. You are their heroes and they are your biggest fans. The generosity you exhibit and the kindness you show is an inspiration to me and so many others.

In a blink of an eye I would go to the ends of the earth for you…to do it all again just to have you in my arms, just to see your smile!! Thank you for giving me a chance. While I will never take the place of the ones who loved you first, thank you for allowing me to be your mom!

Christmastime

Merry Christmas!! The season always seems to be here and gone before I even realize it. Trees are already out on the curb and lights turned off. While we are still in the octave of Christmas, the season is fleating.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day came and went and our long anticipated stay with family was over all too quickly. When I went to bed on Christmas night I was reflecting on how fast the time went, wondering if I really entered into the mystery. Was I fully present at Christmas Eve Mass or just distracted by the circus that Mass can usually become with 5 children.

Have I allowed Christmas to transform my heart or was it just another holiday I celebrated that won’t be given a second thought until it comes upon me again next year. Have I allowed the Christ child to change my life. Christmas comes and goes, but do we take the Christ child with us. The love that is poured out from the manger, has it truly radiated my being. I am still pondering these questions as I gaze on the tiny babe who transformed the world.

I proclaim to you good news of great joy:

today a Savior is born for us,

Christ the Lord. Lk 2:10-11

To Have Faith

This weekend these two turn 10 years old and 2 months old!! They are my bookends and it melts my heart to see the immense love Kolbe has for Briella. I cannot believe how fast the time has gone!! So many emotions in just one picture.

It feels like just yesterday I was in the hospital giving birth yet somehow two months have disappeared. If only the last two months of pregnancy would go by that quickly and the first two months of life be frozen in time.

Five years ago I was blowing out candles on a birthday cake at our adoption shower for a son I had never met, but who had already won my heart! Five candles for an amazing little boy, who upon seeing just a few pictures of him instantly captured my heart with his big brown eyes. I blew out his candles and made a wish for him 5,000 miles apart.

We didn’t eat any of the cake that day, but instead put it in the freezer, so when the time would come that we would finally be together we could enjoy it as a family. We celebrated his 5th birthday not knowing that in just three weeks we would be flying across the world and he would be in my arms forever!!

And now to see him this weekend blowing out his own candles, ten candles surrounded by a fan club of siblings. A sight I never thought I would see just a short six years ago.

From the time Kolbe could speak English he prayed fervently for a baby sister. He had no idea of Aaron and I’s struggle, so I simply told him that maybe someday in the future we would adopt a little girl. He proved me wrong. God heard his prayer. Prayers filled with complete child-like trust and faith. Faith with no reservations or hints of doubt. Faith with full abandonment knowing that God would answer. And when we told the boys a few short months later that I was pregnant, Kolbe knew the baby was a girl.

The Gospel reading from Friday ties in so perfectly. Faith that knows God will answer. Not only will he answer, but he will open our eyes. He will open our eyes to see the marvels and wonders performed in our midst. Open our eyes to his goodness, his unending love. And upon seeing, our lives will be radically transformed.

When he entered the house,
the blind men approached him and Jesus said to them,
“Do you believe that I can do this?”
“Yes, Lord,” they said to him.
Then he touched their eyes and said,
“Let it be done for you according to your faith.”
And their eyes were opened.

Matthew 9:27-29

October Arrivals

In addition to growing a baby the past nine months I have also been working on co-authoring a book for nine months. Both our sweet baby Briella and the book Nursery of Heaven made their arrival within a week of each other. Both gifts from God and an answer to prayer!

Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents is now available for purchase on amazon! To learn more visit contemplativeheartpress.com.

Several months before starting to write the book I had been praying that God would open a door for me to share about my miscarriages. My heart had a desire to use the suffering I had experienced to somehow bring healing to another soul. Nothing short of the Holy Spirit orchestrating it all, the project began.

This book is the fruition of everything I wish I had while I went through my own miscarriages, struggled with loneliness and tried to cope with my grief and find healing. From the lives of the saints who experienced the heartache many women feel today, to parents sharing their own journey, resources for those grieving and beautiful prayers and blessings.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I still feel like more awareness needs to be made. Yes, many strides have been taken, but more can be done. I hope this book can aide in that, offering hope and healing for women and couples as they search for meaning.

To know they are not alone in their struggle. To feel connected with others who have carried a similar cross. And to have their faith strengthened realizing in all of the heartache God has not abandoned them.

Sweet Baby Girl

Our baby girl made her arrival into the world on Monday, October 7 at 3:17am. Born on the feast of Our Lady of the Rosary, Briella Marie-Rose has stolen our hearts and her siblings are completely smitten with her. She is named after the Archangel St. Gabriel, meaning God is my strength.

I was scheduled to be induced at 41 weeks, Monday morning at 7:30am, but I was really hoping to avoid an induction knowing it increases risk being a VBAC. So I was incredibly excited when I had contractions for 3 hours on Saturday and extremely disappointed when they all of a sudden stopped.

Fast forward to 5:00am Sunday morning and the contractions started again, I leaped out of bed and started running around the house, walking in place doing everything I could to keep them coming. I knew what feast day Monday was, but didn’t know of any on Sunday so I did a quick search and was overcome with complete peace. It was the feast of Blessed Marie-Rose. A saint I had never heard of before, but Aaron and I had chosen the middle name Marie-Rose as soon as we found out our baby was a girl. It was my confirmation from heaven that everything would work out.

The contractions continued sporadically throughout the morning and then around noon they became regular around every 15 minutes. We decided to delay nap time for the little ones and go for a 3 mile walk complete with some pretty steep hills. To ensure things would continue I went for another 2 mile walk right before dinner, at this point the contractions were around every 7 minutes.

I wanted to labor as much as I could at home and also wanted to get the kids settled in for the night before heading to the hospital. So when all was said and done they were coming on strong about every 4 minutes when we arrived at the hospital about 10:00pm Sunday night.

I was ecstatic when the nurse checked me and said I was about an 8, the doctor later came in and said I was a definite 7. This was great I thought I probably only had a couple of hours left before I would be holding my sweet girl. The time marched on and contractions continued. Somewhere around 1:00am the doctor broke my water and told me to prepare for things to get intense. My goal was to hold off on an epidural for as long as I could.

The rest became somewhat of a blur. I got to the point of no return and asked for an epidural only to find out I was at a 9 and it was too late. The pain was too much to sit or lie in bed, but I was getting weaker and could tell I was on the verge of passing out. With Aaron literally holding me up as I leaned over a birthing ball I could hear the nurse call for a cart and page the doc as my blood pressure plummeted. In my mind I thought, really if this ends in a c-section all because I thought I could ride out the pain I will be so upset.

Between the cold wash cloths and some nitrous oxide my blood pressure bounced back and I was telling the nurse I was going to push. I wasn’t waiting around for things to get ready, I was pushing. Four minutes of pushing and our Briella was out!