everyday Ann

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You Are Not Alone

woman waitingIt seems one of the most common things I hear from women who have suffered the loss of a child through miscarriage is the feeling of being alone. Isolated, desolate and alone. Utter loneliness, because it seems no one can relate or understand the grief and the loss.

I am not an expert, counselor or psychologist, but I speak from experience. From the experience of my own loss of five babies, whose lives ended all too soon and from the stories of heartache other women have poured out to me. As I reflect on my own story and those of countless other women, there are certain themes that run through our grief. Although, not every woman’s journey is the same in how they process their loss and move towards healing, I write this to tell you, you are not alone.

You are not alone when you feel that no one understands your loss. You try to hide your grief and move on, not knowing how to process your feelings. You go back to work and to day to day activities as if nothing happened. Acting as if everything is okay you dare not bring it up in any conversation for fear of how others may or may not react.

You are not alone when you feel confused and continually ask, why me? When the confusion wells into anger at your God. A feeling that scares you, as you have never felt this pit of anger before. Any prayer you can dare to muster simply turns into yelling as you cry out to God. At the same time you hold God responsible for not saving your baby’s life and feel as if you are completely abandoned.

You are not alone when tension arises in your marriage and your anger soon is directed at your husband, because it seems he’s already over it. You feel he has forsaken you in your need, because this was his baby too. Why does he not grieve the same way? Why doesn’t his heart feel completely shattered?

You are not alone when you begin to wonder if you will ever feel normal again, back to yourself and how life used to be. Questioning the grief and scared it will never leave, longing for the joy you used to have. Clinging to any sense of normalcy as it serves as a glimmer of hope that someday you may feel okay.

You are not alone when you find yourself on the brink of tears at any moment. Whether it’s seeing pregnancy announcements on social media, simply walking past the baby section in the store or a random song, phrase or word that causes the tears to flow and seem to never stop.

You are not alone if you are scared in trying to conceive again. The mixed feelings of hope, yet fear and doubt. Thinking of seeing two pink lines met with excitement and at the same time overcome with anxiety considering the possibility of having to go through this all over again.

You are not alone, so many women are suffering through this together with you in spirit. Allow yourself time to grieve, this was your baby who you already had dreams for. Take time off of work to take care of yourself and process the loss. Have no shame in what you are feeling, for your feelings are real. Don’t be hard on your husband he is grieving as well but in a different way. He wants your joy back as much as you do, but sometimes struggles to express his hurt.

You are not alone, reach out and find community. Other women who have a similar experience can provide a safe haven when you don’t know where to turn. The ache in your heart will never completely go away, as you will always remember the baby you never held, but it will get better and your joy will return. You may never understand why this happened and it’s okay to not have the answers. Just always remember when the tears begin to well and your heart aches, you are not alone.

Bringing Awareness

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, it was designated by President Ronald Reagan in October 1988. I was only made aware of this a few years ago. Perhaps I found out because of the increase of technology, wide spread use of social media or having my own blinders removed when my life was personally impacted. I like to think that maybe after all of these years awareness is happening.

With that said you will probably find me doing several posts this month related to the topic. No matter how short the life lived, they have forever impacted your journey and constantly remain in your heart.

It’s important to raise awareness for those who have experienced the loss, those who are grieving and those who never knew how to grieve. Even more so to let them know they are not alone.

Even though one in four pregnancies ends in the loss of a baby, doesn’t mean the feelings are less real or the hurt less deep. Although the intention may be well meaning, the grief can sometimes seem written off by statements made by family, friends and the medical community.

I have found that no matter how many times you experience it, it doesn’t get easier. Yes, you may feel like you can navigate the waters better and know what you need as you go through the process. It doesn’t take away that each time is a loss, because every life is unique, precious and beautiful, not just another statistic.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you that has experienced a loss in this way. You will be in my thoughts and prayers in a special way. During this month may you find more healing, more peace and may more awareness be made.

When You Are the Couple With No Kids

flowerI think one of the more difficult things for couples suffering infertility is the constant reminder of what you don’t have. None of it is done directly, but simply comes with the territory and is just part of the ache that continually stays in your heart.

I feel lately I have been experiencing more of those reminders. Awkward moments when people ask, how many kids do you have or I bet your family is on your case to have kids. Without fail every time…I produce awkward silence…wondering how I should answer. As often as I get the question I am beginning to think I should have already come up with a generic answer by now, a go to response, but I seem to be thrown every, single, time.

I realize a generic answer doesn’t always work depending on the person or situation, but I usually always walk away wondering if I should have said something different or something more. Then again what if I would say too much, the last thing I want to do is make anyone uncomfortable with my answer.

Do I share about the miscarriages, do I share about the adoption, do I share about the desire in my heart to be a mom or do I choose to just be silent? More often than not I choose the latter. A simple no, followed by silence, and I move on to change the topic.

No matter what the situation, the end result is always the same the reminder of what I don’t have. The continual reminder of the road we have been on for the past 6+ years and the feeling like sometimes we are the only ones.

I guess if there is no other purpose to this post, it’s to say I know what you are going through. The thoughts and feelings of wondering what others are thinking about you, hoping you are not being judged, but concealing in your heart your inmost longings.

Couples who experience infertility often suffer in silence, not wanting to inconvenience anyone with their troubles. It’s something that can’t be seen, so it’s not noticed. Often deeply personal and hard to initiate in conversation unless they are asked. It almost becomes a taboo topic.

Now I begin to wonder if my silence in conversations only contributes to it. Perhaps acknowledging the five babies I carried, but never held, would provide an opening in the conversation. An opening for someone else to share their story, their loss and their hurt that they have held on too for so long, but dared not to tell anyone. Perhaps sharing would help another woman find healing.

Although, I always dread what seems like a million questions when we tell someone we are adopting. Perhaps sharing about our journey, even though it hasn’t been easy it is filled with so much love, would inspire someone else. Perhaps it would help them love their neighbor a little more.

As I reflect on what I am writing, I can’t promise the next time the question is asked I will have a good answer. I know for certain though, I will think twice and perhaps maybe allow my heart to help someone else’s hurt.

So for all the times I keep silent, I hope that in some small way through posts like this, the silence will be broken and perhaps someone out there will also begin to experience healing.  Perhaps someone will also feel they are no longer alone when the question arises.

 

Living In the Wait

vintage childJust last week on the show I produce we did a segment titled “Waiting on the Lord”. I was brought into the conversation for a few minutes to share some thoughts and perspective from my own experience. Since then I have been reflecting on how the theme of waiting is truly the state of life I seem to be in at this moment.

I am not an expert on this topic by any means, especially since I could be labeled by some as impatient and lean towards having a Type A personality. We all have moments in our lives where we experience a period of waiting, sometimes short and at other times drawn out with what seems to have no end in sight. Just waiting and praying, praying and waiting. Not knowing what the outcome will be or what will happen next, but waiting on God’s perfect timing.

Reflecting on my life it is easy to recall times of waiting, from the college acceptance letter to the first job, meeting the man of my dreams to finally closing on our first house. There are also the moments of waiting that have come with much heartache and soul searching. Moments that push you to the very brim, truly test your faith and make you cry out to God. For my husband and I those moments focus around our desire to have children.

The excitement, hope and fear that comes everytime I see two pink lines on a pregnancy test, waiting and praying the baby will make it through the first trimester. Crying out to God and hoping for a miracle, yet being faced with news that once again throws you in a spiral. It’s in the moments like these that you question waiting, you begin to allow despair to creep in and wonder if your prayers are falling on deaf ears.

In struggling to get back up, persevering in prayer you begin to trust He has a plan and realize despair and discouragement is not His answer. Now as we try and journey through the adoption process and have been for over a year and a half, I daily have to fight the anxiety and fear as we wait. As this process continues to drag on with no certainty of an end in sight, I try and allow myself to be still. Trying to find hope in what seems like God’s silence, but knowing in the silence, in the wait, God is still at work in my life and changing my heart.

As one who wants to have control of my life and know what the next week and month will bring, I have found there is profound peace in letting go. Letting go of control and allowing God to work, trusting and knowing He will never abandon me.

It seems in the times of waiting, no matter how short or long, we learn to surrender, completely surrender. Trusting in a higher power far outside of ourselves, knowing there is a plan and allowing God to move.

We have prayed so many times for either the adoption to go through quickly or to fall through completely, so to have closure one way or the other. Basically praying for anything except the unknown, anything other than the wait. Still all we are met with is more waiting. There is much peace and freedom in coming to accept that right now this is God’s will. As much as we desire to have children, today and in this moment God’s will for us is waiting.

So we continue to learn and to live in the wait, to embrace what the wait brings us and teaches us. Learning to live in the moment and for today God asks us to continue to wait.

Saying “I Do”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWedding season is upon us, the flowers in bloom, the birds chirping and love is in the air. The romance and devotion as couples gaze into their beloved’s eyes, completely swept off their feet.

The day they have been dreaming of finally arrives as they walk down the aisle without a care in the world. With family and friends gathered around they are united for life as they state their vows and say “I do”.

Over six years ago my husband and I stood at the altar, although no birds were chirping as we married in a December blizzard. We had rehearsed the words and went through multiple days of marriage preparation, understanding the sacrament and covenant we were about to enter into.

Filled with dreams and so much hope, we recited the vows not knowing at all the course our lives would take in the years to come. With anticipation we looked forward to starting a family together, both having no idea the struggle and heartache that would soon present itself.

Now six years later I never imagined we would still be trying to build a family, have suffered numerous miscarriages, multiple surgeries and doctor appointments trying to find answers. I never expected we would feel the call and joy so strongly in our hearts to adopt as we do today. It wasn’t how we thought the story would write, our plan was much different.

We thought we had it all figured out. We would wait six months or so after our wedding until we felt settled in, buy our first house, nine months later we would have a baby and I would be a stay-at-home mom.

Sometimes I think about whether anything would have been different on that day if we had known what we know now. In the past I have allowed doubt to creep in and wondered if my husband would marry me again, now knowing that I will probably never be able to bear him children. Of course I know the answer and his undying love for me. Still I wish I could go back to 23 year old me and say be ready, hang on, trust and allow God to fulfill your dreams.

I know there are couples who have gone through so much more, have experienced greater struggles, anguish and distress and my heart truly goes out to them. There are so many who throughout their years of marriage have endured such heavy crosses. Some unbearable at times, still love flourishes.

I think in a way it’s a grace that we are blinded by love in our innocence, not knowing the road that lies ahead. It’s a blessing that God doesn’t give us a screenshot of the future, but only asks us to take one step at a time.

The “I do” is only the beginning, the first moments of life together. It’s being sent forth and building the marriage from that day forward. Uniting as one in love and faith builds a foundation for when the road becomes rocky.

Through marriage preparation we learn the words to say and the meaning behind them, but it’s after the “I do” that we live them. They seem to be only words until we have experienced them in the everyday encounters. It’s in the daily “I do” that the marriage covenant is lived out. In the daily yes to someone else and no to our selfishness and sin the sacrament thrives.

In reality our married life together thus far is only a small portion, God willing of life yet to come. Decades more of joy, love and laughter and moments of tears, sorrow and struggle. Relying on the grace of the sacrament to carry us through, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love and honor all the days of our life.

Saying “I do” not knowing what the future holds, but trusting and knowing who holds the future.