This time of year can be incredibly difficult for those grieving a loss. A painful reminder of who they are not celebrating with at Christmas. Perhaps it is the baby longing to be conceived, the little one who was miscarried, the child delivered stillborn or the one who lived for only a short few weeks.

Our first miscarriage happened at 12 weeks, the day before Christmas Eve. As the choir sang Joy to the World my heart was gripped with pain. A time of good tidings and cheer and I was overcome with sorrow. As the world celebrated the birth of a baby, I grieved the loss of ours.

One year later, the following Christmas I remember being nervous and anxious. How would I emotionally get through this when otherwise I would be celebrating with our eight month old.

I was getting ready for Christmas Eve Mass when I heard a baby, a coo. I walked out into the living room expecting to see my small nephews, thinking perhaps my brother stopped by without me knowing. There was no one. The house was empty. To some it may sound ridiculous, but it was a sound so distinct and clear, that I knew it was God reaching out to console me and bring healing to my heart.

Last week I had the privilege of being invited to EWTN to tape two shows with At Home with Jim and Joy. Honored and humbled by the opportunity and truly a gift to share our story and the book, Nursery of Heaven. I am sharing the interviews with you, in the hope that it brings some kind of healing into your lives. Perhaps a stirring from the Holy Spirit or the needed balm for your soul.

We are in this journey together and ultimately it is healing and hope that God is longing to pour out into our hearts. Please know that I am praying for you!

Here we are already into Fall, starting the month of October. The leaves are turning, the air is crisp and there is a certain joy this time of year can bring, despite the beautiful summer days behind us. While October is certainly filled with a newness it is also a time of remembering, for some remembering the newness that never came. October marks Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month, a time to remember and honor the babies whose hearts stopped beating too soon, the ones we never gave birth to, the ones we never held and the ones whose lives were all too short. In addition to remembering the precious souls who are now in heaven basking in God’s glory, it is also a month to remember their mothers whose hearts will never forget.

Perhaps the loss was days, weeks, months or years ago, there is always a piece of us missing. While the world continues to move on, our hearts continue to ponder. We live in a culture that does not value the sacredness of life and often refers to a growing baby as a product of conception, clump of cells, tissue or a fetus. This mindset can leave women questioning their grief, especially if the loss was early on in the pregnancy. Perhaps, they even feel guilty about grieving since they were only 6, 8 or 12 weeks along. Asking themselves, why can I not get over this? Why am I finding it so difficult to move on? Why do I feel so broken inside?

As women who have loss a child, it does not matter the age. It was your baby, an unrepeatable soul, made in God’s image and likeness and a reflection of you and your husband. So if you find yourself grieving that is a natural response. Remember even in the sorrow, healing can be found. While you may feel moments as if God has abandoned you, it is our faith that can bring great comfort. We know how the story ends. Our children are not gone, yes from this earth, but they live on in eternity. Images of us before the face of God, eternal souls waiting for us on the other side of the veil.

Our beloved babies have become our intercessors, our path to heaven in more than one way. We can name our babies, even the ones we have never met, and ask for their intercession in our lives. Tiny Saints in heaven that can pray for us. Saints who reflect us in some way and are still a part of our family, especially when we invite them to intercede for us. They are children who are not loss, but rather have gained heaven as small souls.

In addition to a spiritual connection with our little ones, there is a physical one that many may not know about. As mothers we carry cells from our babies in our body for the rest of our lives, even those babies who were miscarried or stillborn their cells are still with us. The scientific term for this is microchimerism. So while we may think of our babies as departed, they are literally a part of us. Much nearer to us than we could ever imagine. They truly are never forgotten.

After Servant of God Chiara Corbella Petrillo gave birth to her precious Maria who only lived 30 minutes after her birth, she beautifully declared:

The day of Maria’s birth I shall always recall as one of the most beautiful days of my life, and I shall tell all my children that the Lord wishes to send us that they have a special sister who is praying for them in heaven. (Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents)

Affirming the gift of each child, these words from Servant of God Chiara both comfort and give hope that our baby is never forgotten.

What I wish to say to the mothers who have lost children is this: we have been mothers; we have had this great gift. The amount of time does not matter: one month, two months, a few hours. What matters is that we have had this gift…and it is something that can never be forgotten. (Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents)

Today is Mother’s Day, for many of us it is a day of celebration, reminiscing, gratitude, joy, laughter and counting our blessings. Grateful for the beautiful mothers in our lives and for those little souls entrusted to our care, who we have the privilege of being a mother to.

While though for some, Mother’s Day is a day filled with loss, grief, emptiness, longing and waiting. For over seven years, that was me. I dreaded Mother’s Day. I wished I could opt out, fast forward, skip the day on the calendar or just sleep through it.

A day that I woke up knowing the grief I would encounter. Knowing the tears that would stream down my face during the Mother’s Day blessing at Mass, the flowers I would have to say “no thank you” to as waitresses handed them out at brunch to mothers, the gathering with family as everyone said “Happy Mother’s Day” to each other and I awkwardly stood on the side.

Today now five kids and six years later my arms are full and the dread of the day is gone. I feel beyond grateful and blessed with the incredible gifts I have been given. Still I do not forget the pain, there is a sadness in my heart for the years I grieved and for the babies I never held.

Although, my house is now bustling and most days are filled with chaos, today I am thinking of you. All it takes is for me to sit for a quiet moment and I can go back to those days, those years, those memories.

For you who are waiting, longing to see two pink lines and hoping this will be the month. For those who are grieving having said good bye to their baby all too soon, because of miscarriage or stillbirth. For you who have experienced the incredible heartache of burying a child. For those who have made an insurmountable sacrifice entrusting their child to another mother. I see you and I am praying for you.

Although, you may not receive the traditional Mother’s Day flowers today look at the image above. These flowers are for you, pick your favorite bouquet and take it as your own. You are a mother whether you have born children or not, whether you have children currently in your arms or have kissed them softly on the cheek as you said good-bye. You are a mother. Happy Mother’s Day!

I love this quote from Servant of God Chiara Corbella Petrillo.

What I wish to say to the mothers who have lost children is this: we have been mothers; we have had this great gift. The amount of time does not matter: one month, two months, a few hours. What matters is that we have had this gift…and it is something that can never be forgotten.

In addition to growing a baby the past nine months I have also been working on co-authoring a book for nine months. Both our sweet baby Briella and the book Nursery of Heaven made their arrival within a week of each other. Both gifts from God and an answer to prayer!

Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents is now available for purchase on amazon! To learn more visit contemplativeheartpress.com.

Several months before starting to write the book I had been praying that God would open a door for me to share about my miscarriages. My heart had a desire to use the suffering I had experienced to somehow bring healing to another soul. Nothing short of the Holy Spirit orchestrating it all, the project began.

This book is the fruition of everything I wish I had while I went through my own miscarriages, struggled with loneliness and tried to cope with my grief and find healing. From the lives of the saints who experienced the heartache many women feel today, to parents sharing their own journey, resources for those grieving and beautiful prayers and blessings.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I still feel like more awareness needs to be made. Yes, many strides have been taken, but more can be done. I hope this book can aide in that, offering hope and healing for women and couples as they search for meaning.

To know they are not alone in their struggle. To feel connected with others who have carried a similar cross. And to have their faith strengthened realizing in all of the heartache God has not abandoned them.