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everyday Ann

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Still a Rookie

October 28, 2015

We are just about to the 10 month mark of being a family!! I am constantly amazed at how well our sons have adjusted and how our family has molded together. Every month I look back and am in awe of everything new they are learning and all that I have to learn yet. Still after 10 months I am finding out I am still a rookie at all of this.

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I realize I have said this before, but it seems like our sons have been in our lives forever not just 10 months. They have stolen my heart and it will never be the same. Life seems so natural, that I easily forget the reality of how short 10 months really is.

From not knowing how to hold a crayon to perfectly coloring in the lines. From not speaking English to now knowing how to read. Yes, they have learned so, so much. Yet, during our school day I realize how much I take for granted assuming they already know. Reminders for me of the need to sometimes slow down and keep in mind it has only been 10 months.

As much as they are learning I feel as if I am learning just as much if not more. I am learning about myself and how to give completely and selflessly. I am learning how to advocate for my sons and to be proactive, always thinking one step ahead about what their needs may be.

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I wish this wasn’t part of the learning curve, but I am also learning how to respond to rude comments and intrusive questions from strangers. So often I forget that our family looks different until a stranger finds it their business to remind me and in front of our sons. As much as it sets my mama bear roaring I am learning that my response is setting the stage for how my sons will respond in the future.

When the hard days come and the moments when I fail, I too need to remind myself I have only been doing this for 10 months. I am still a rookie. It’s okay to not have all of the answers, to not be the perfect mom. As much as I wish I was, it continually gives me something daily to strive for.

Still more important than my perfection is that every day our sons know the unconditional and unending love we have for them. Although we may not share the same nose or eyes, we share something much deeper. We share a bond that will not be broken and I pray that when they encounter difficulty or confusion they know the love that goes deeper. A love forever blazed in our hearts for them and a love from their Creator which cannot be fathomed.

(And just when I think I will have this parenting thing down, it will be a whole new ball game when we welcome a newborn in February and the learning curve will start completely over and I mean completely.)

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Filed Under: Adoption, Motherhood

6 Months In!

July 24, 2015

It seems as if they have been in our lives forever, at moments reminding myself that it has only been six months. Still I feel like the past six months have been a blink of the eye, finding it hard to believe that amount of time has already past.

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Over six months ago we welcomed our sons home and began our life together as a family of four. Never could I have imagined the joy and love that would enter and rest in my heart! We truly are the ones blessed to have them as our sons, to care for them and every day hear their laughter!

Although I feel like we have settled into a somewhat normal routine and sleep schedule, as a mother to boys I know not the adventure each day will bring.

How many scrapes need bandages and kisses. How many pitches I will throw or bases we will run. How many books we will read or games we will repeatedly play. How many heart to heart conversations we will have or uncontrollable giggles shared.

Just last week the boys came in with these flowers picked just for mommy. They wanted me to find a vase to put them in. They continually brought me flowers almost every day for the entire week! Needless to say they melted and stole my heart all over again!!

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Their thoughtfulness helped me to realize that although I am not a perfect mom I am enough for them. Over six months in and I will be the first to admit that there are nights I go to bed wishing I could do a part of the day over. Perhaps a situation where I should have shown more love, listened more carefully or displayed more patience.

As I lay my head on the pillow I am thankful for God’s grace and the new day to follow. Another chance to try to live my vocation to motherhood in a more excellent way. Every day stretched, called to higher virtue, greater love and more patience.

It has been through these six months that I reflect on how much my sons have shaped me and challenged me to truly live an authentic life. By being their mother I live more fully, striving daily to be the best version of myself. I have seen myself grow, thinking less of myself and focusing more on radiating the abundance of Christ’s love to them.

I am so grateful for every second shared these past six months!

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Filed Under: Adoption, Motherhood

They Call Me Mommy

May 7, 2015

For so many years Mother’s Day was always a day I somewhat dreaded. It always just seemed to serve as a reminder of what I didn’t have, what I was lacking and the longing to fill the emptiness. When the mothers were asked to stand at church for a blessing I clenched my teeth and fought back the tears from streaming.

This year we will celebrate Mother’s Day as a family of four. Instead of tears of sorrow there will be tears of joy. In gratitude for the two amazing boys who have given me the name mommy! Who have filled my heart with a new love and joy beyond anything I could have imagined. Who have called me to a deeper love and service, even at all hours of the night.

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The honor, privilege and blessing continues to humble me. The road was not easy and the cross not light, but I would not trade any of it for the moments I share with them every single day. They are truly a gift!!

Yet I cannot let this Mother’s Day pass by without thinking of and honoring the women who gave my sons life. The women who first loved them and were the first to look in their beautiful brown eyes.

As much as I am beyond grateful to hear two little voices call me mommy, a part of me feels for those who were their first. Not more than a day passes where I don’t pray for them and wonder how they are doing. I grieve for the loss caused by brokenness and sin in our world that has not allowed families to live as God has intended.

Yet because of loss our roads have crossed and I can do nothing more than thank God for allowing me to be their mommy. To hold them tightly and shower them with a love so deep and so wide.

To the women who first held us, the women who help guide us and the women who inspire us along the way. To the women who long to be a mother, the women who have lost a child, the women who heroically choose life and entrust that life to someone else. May you all have a most blessed and joyous Mother’s Day!

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Filed Under: Adoption, Motherhood

Our Journey to Ghana (part 4, the finale!)

April 24, 2015

Thanks for staying with me as I conclude our story, which believe it or not is slightly abbreviated. If there was no editing it would have easily turned into 10+ posts. If you are just joining the journey catch up on what you missed in part 3.

The day before our flight was scheduled to leave my husband spent the entire day at the passport office trying to get an officer to sign off on the reprint. He was told to come back at 5:30 and in the back of his mind he thought no way would it actually happen and started doubting that we would actually make our flight.

The kids and I hung out at the hotel all day and I didn’t have any update from my husband. So I just kept the prayers coming, because I had no idea what the scenario would be. I most certainly put into practice in a new way, pray without ceasing from 1 Thessalonians.

5003 (153)Our last day in Ghana.

Finally, as I was getting the boys ready for bed my husband returned as a bearer of great news! He was given the new passport!! It may have been the 59th minute but we had it!! In addition he strolled my suitcase through the door!! I about leapt out of my skin! I went to bed that night feeling refreshed, clean and hopeful we would get the visa in time.

The next day my husband headed to the embassy. Thankfully our flight wasn’t departing until later that night, so we had all day to try and get the visa. While my husband was at the embassy I started packing just in case we would be going to the airport that evening. Of course I also continued to pray like crazy!!

We were so grateful that the U.S. Embassy was more than accommodating. They assured my husband we would have the visa in time for our flight that evening and they didn’t let us down! Two hours before we had to be at the airport we finally received the visa and now had everything in place to make the flight back to the United States!! I can’t explain the weight lifted from my shoulders when I heard the news and I knew God’s hand was on us.

IMG_0099Finally home!

I had been prepping the boys throughout the day about the flight, the weather and everything our travels would entail. So Kolbe got dressed in all the warm winter clothes I had packed for him, including a winter hat. He insisted on wearing it all to the airport even in the Ghana heat, while stuck in traffic with no a/c. Needless to say sweat started pouring down his face.

I will never forget their expressions as we walked outside to stand before the large plane we were about to board. They were so, so excited to be on a real airplane that they only slept the first 8 hours of our total time of 16 hours in flight. I on the other hand would have taken the extra hours to sleep, especially after hardly sleeping at all while we were in Ghana.

The boys did amazing on the flights, absolutely AMAZING!!! In my book it’s a miracle how well the travel went. I had packed a lot to keep them busy, well fed and to hold off tears. They just loved all of the buttons and the little TV screens they had in front of them. Simply mesmerized by being on an airplane.

Our last flight was only an hour. The flight attendant asked if this was the boys first flight, no actually this is their third within 24 hours! She gave them each a pin and some candy and did they ever deserve it. They most definitely earned their wings that day!

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Filed Under: Adoption

Our Journey to Ghana (part 3)

April 16, 2015

Continuing with what has turned into a mini-series. If you missed the first two you can easily get caught up here and here.

Meeting our sons for the first time is an experience and memory forever in my mind and heart. Beyond words and yet captured for all time in my heart to hold. I was nervous, anxious, excited, overwhelmed and full of hope and joy! I managed to hold back my tears as I hugged them for the first time and finally saw their most beautiful smiles. I will never forget their sweet little giggles as my husband blew bubbles for them to chase and catch.

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The next day we headed to the U.S. Embassy for the visa interview. We didn’t know what to expect as the original birth certificates had been lost at the passport office. I had a pit in my stomach thinking there was no way we would pass without them. I found myself constantly praying. Never have I prayed so much in such a short amount of time in my life!

Over five hours sitting in a row of chairs answering questions and waiting for our names to be called. Praying and hoping we would be given the blue slip of paper meaning we passed. I tried to remain calm as the officer said they would waive the need for original birth certificates if it was okay with us and he proceeded to hand me the blue slip!!!

My eyes immediately filled with tears as I told my husband the news. I wish I had on camera the joy on all of our faces as we literally ran out the door through the embassy courtyard swinging our boys in the air! I knew my prayers were answered!!

We were given an appointment to go back to the embassy in two days at 1:30 to pick up the visas. Two days later I stood in front of the embassy which seemed rather quiet as a police officer informed me they were closed. Assuming it was a misunderstanding I showed him my slip stating my 1:30 appointment, which further puzzled him because the embassy closed at 12:00 that day. After speaking with security he told me to come back in two days, which would be Friday.

The patio at the third hotel we stayed at, where we spent a lot of time.

This time my husband went back to the embassy and was given one visa. He was then informed there was a misspelling on the other passport. We would need to have the passport office issue our son a new one before they would print the visa. Something which took us months to get we needed to try and get reprinted in 3 days as our flight was scheduled to leave Tuesday evening.

Oh by the way, my suitcase was still lost. Thankfully I packed an extra outfit in my carry on, but other than that I was grubbing it in the same clothes and borrowing my husband’s clothes for sleeping. It also gave my husband the opportunity to grow a beard as his shaver was in my bag.

I tried not to think about the what ifs and the possibility of it taking weeks to get the new passport. It was truly God’s grace and prayer that kept this type A person so, so calm. Besides at this point it wasn’t about me anymore, mere inconveniences or another stumbling block. My focus was completely on my boys.

On Monday, the day before we were scheduled to leave Ghana, my husband headed to the passport office begging someone to sign off on the reprint.

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Filed Under: Adoption

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