We just returned from a long weekend away, I feel exhausted mentally and physically, drained and kind of in a daze as I sit here tonight. I wish I could say it was spring break or for a fun vacation, but our trip was back to my home town to bury my grandfather. Papa as we called him.
I can’t say that I didn’t know it was coming. My grandfather had suffered from Parkinson’s for years. When we saw him over Christmas I could tell his health was further declining and in the back of my mind had a feeling he would probably only be with us a few more months.
He was 90 and lived a full life. Those words are suppose to bring consolation, yet saying good bye doesn’t seem any easier. I was blessed to have had him in my life for so many years, still my heart hurts.
As my children are full of questions now about death, dying and the afterlife my own mind wrestles with the idea. I believe in eternal life and profess it as a part of my faith, yet why does it seem so hard to face. Why does my mind want to escape the thought of having to say good bye to those I love.
I knew his days were drawing to an end and I wished that distance didn’t keep me away so I could see him one more time. Just hours before he passed my dad called me and asked if I wanted to talk to him and say good bye. I am so grateful that I had those moments. Although he couldn’t respond he could still hear me. I talked to him, prayed with him and the boys and I sang to him.
When we hung up the phone, Kolbe put his head in his hands and said I don’t want him to die yet. A grandfather they only knew 2 short years, but loved nonetheless. All I could say was me either buddy, me either.
Why is it so hard to say good bye when we have the promise of the resurrection and new life. Is it because we are the ones left to grieve, we are the ones feeling the loss, we are the ones who say good bye.
I struggled to find the words as the end of the conversation neared. I couldn’t say it. The words wouldn’t formulate. It all seems too final. My dad in his own grief spoke the words for me, until we meet again.
So until we meet again Papa, I will pray that your soul is resting with our Lord. That you are at peace and sharing in eternal happiness. Until we meet again, please pray for me.