everyday Ann

living the ordinary seeing the extraordinary

When God Says Give More

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The days when God asks you to give a little more and you wonder how you will make it through. You just spent the entire night rocking and holding your sick baby, so they could be in a more comfortable position because as soon as you lay them in their crib they scream in pain. When you finally get settled for an hour of sleep the toddler wakes up, your jaw clenches as you try to get them their drink of water.

Morning comes all too quickly and it seems as if you would rather hide under the covers than face the day. Nothing that a two cup of fully caffeinated coffee can’t help. Only you haven’t been drinking caffeine, so after the jolt you are left feeling a little shaky and nauseated instead of energized.

Made it to lunch, nap time is right around the corner and you cannot wait to sneak in a 30 minute snooze while the little ones sleep. Only today they decide that their nap time will not coincide and your glimmer of hope is gone. You begin to countdown the hours until the second shift steps in. Five hours and counting, slamming LaCroix because it’s the next best thing to wine.

Dinner becomes well balanced with a bag of tator-tots, sandwiches and cucumbers because nobody ever said this was a five star kitchen. Your relief walks in the door and you use everything in your power to not run out while you have the chance.

Bedtime approaches only to find the toddler spiked a high fever meaning another sleepless night. Two sick kiddos and the weekend plans went out the door, your only opportunity at having a social life and communication with the outside world. In addition the four day family vacay that you spent all week packing and prepping for gets canceled.

Some days God definitely ask me to give a little more, sometimes a lot more. When I think I have given all of my love, time, sleep and energy to my family I find God stretching me even more. At moments to the point of exhaustion, ready to throw in the towel.

Then I remember that this, this is my vocation. Sleepless nights, rocking babies, cancelling plans is all part of God’s plan to make me holy. His plan to etch away the selfishness that still consumes me, the comfort that I take for granted and the need to feel in control of my plans.

Motherhood is my path to heaven if I can just accept the difficulties alongside with the joys. To see God’s grace even in the moments that leave me giving more than I think I am capable of. He gave more, He gave all.

Walking Billboards

I am realizing more and more that every time I am out in public with the kids people are watching us and observing our actions. Commenting on our family size, the kids behavior or cuteness, my look of joy or exhaustion. Whether we want to be or not we are billboards advertising motherhood and family life, and I have to ask myself what kind of message am I sending? Over at Catholic Mom today sharing my reflections.

Letting Go of The List

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Writing over at CatholicMom.com today continuing to focus on an area in my life that needs some balance, learning to be. To let go of the list that I allow to hover over me and base my success on and to instead get lost in carefree timelessness with those placed in my life.

What ways have you found helpful to bring balance to the busyness?

For Those Still Longing

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I am over at Blessed Is She Blog today, sharing reflections and hope for those who find Mother’s Day to be a painful remembrance of what they don’t have, what their hearts still long for.

Humbled and honored to have my writing posted for such an amazing ministry.

Praying this week for those of you still dreaming and hoping to some day hear the word, Mama.

You Loved Them First

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I often find myself thinking about my sons’ birthmothers, but in the past weeks it has also consumed my heart. Rushing over me with a wave of emotions. As we celebrate Mother’s Day this weekend I want to honor the women who gave my sons the gift of life.

 

To the ones who loved them first:

There are no words to express the sentiments I feel. Honored, humbled, privileged to be mothering your child. The love I have for them is undeniable as I lavish them with hugs. Yours is one much stronger as you put aside your wants to think of someone else.

As they fill my life with joy and laughter, their absence brings you grief. As I gaze everyday into their eyes, you dream of what they look like. As I tuck them safely into bed at night, you wonder where they are.

You may feel like you have been forgotten, but not a day goes by that your name is not spoken as we mention you in prayer. The topic is not hushed, but spoken about openly. You were a real part of their lives and whether you realize it or not you are still a very important piece of who they are.

When the questions arise, the whys, the need for understanding I tell them honestly, you are a hero. An unsung hero whose love is far greater than my comprehension. A sacrifice that I cannot fathom. They smile through the confusion as I retell the story of your love. And as they ask to hear it over and over it is not because they cannot remember, but rather they are writing it on their hearts.

I grieve the loss with them. The loss that you carry so quietly in your heart. The loss caused by brokenness in our world. The loss that has not allowed you to raise them.

The soul given to you, now entrusted to me. What an immense responsibility, an honor I will not let be diminished. I am grateful and humbled to have been chosen. The privilege is not lost.

Why our paths crossed I am not sure, but I promise to always aim for greatness. To raise them in a way that would make you proud. I have to be honest there are days that I fail, overreact or forget to enjoy the moment, but I will never give up striving to be the mother you hoped I could be.

They are growing, learning and blossoming. Embracing all that life has to offer and rising above when met with challenges. They are kind, generous, thoughtful, eager and loving. You should be proud. So proud of who they have become. For it was your loving embrace that first held them and gave them the opportunity to flourish.

I can’t imagine the grief you sometimes feel, but please know you will always be a part of them. As I look into their beautiful brown eyes the ones that you saw first, I see you and they do too. Your love has not gone unnoticed, your sacrifice will not be forgotten.

As mothers receive a special blessing at church this weekend, I will be standing in for you. I won’t pretend to take your place, because I can’t. I will always try my best at second, because you loved them first.

With all my love and gratitude,
An Adoptive Mother

 

A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.  -Jody Landers