Wedding season is upon us, the flowers in bloom, the birds chirping and love is in the air. The romance and devotion as couples gaze into their beloved’s eyes, completely swept off their feet.

The day they have been dreaming of finally arrives as they walk down the aisle without a care in the world. With family and friends gathered around they are united for life as they state their vows and say “I do”.

Over six years ago my husband and I stood at the altar, although no birds were chirping as we married in a December blizzard. We had rehearsed the words and went through multiple days of marriage preparation, understanding the sacrament and covenant we were about to enter into.

Filled with dreams and so much hope, we recited the vows not knowing at all the course our lives would take in the years to come. With anticipation we looked forward to starting a family together, both having no idea the struggle and heartache that would soon present itself.

Now six years later I never imagined we would still be trying to build a family, have suffered numerous miscarriages, multiple surgeries and doctor appointments trying to find answers. I never expected we would feel the call and joy so strongly in our hearts to adopt as we do today. It wasn’t how we thought the story would write, our plan was much different.

We thought we had it all figured out. We would wait six months or so after our wedding until we felt settled in, buy our first house, nine months later we would have a baby and I would be a stay-at-home mom.

Sometimes I think about whether anything would have been different on that day if we had known what we know now. In the past I have allowed doubt to creep in and wondered if my husband would marry me again, now knowing that I will probably never be able to bear him children. Of course I know the answer and his undying love for me. Still I wish I could go back to 23 year old me and say be ready, hang on, trust and allow God to fulfill your dreams.

I know there are couples who have gone through so much more, have experienced greater struggles, anguish and distress and my heart truly goes out to them. There are so many who throughout their years of marriage have endured such heavy crosses. Some unbearable at times, still love flourishes.

I think in a way it’s a grace that we are blinded by love in our innocence, not knowing the road that lies ahead. It’s a blessing that God doesn’t give us a screenshot of the future, but only asks us to take one step at a time.

The “I do” is only the beginning, the first moments of life together. It’s being sent forth and building the marriage from that day forward. Uniting as one in love and faith builds a foundation for when the road becomes rocky.

Through marriage preparation we learn the words to say and the meaning behind them, but it’s after the “I do” that we live them. They seem to be only words until we have experienced them in the everyday encounters. It’s in the daily “I do” that the marriage covenant is lived out. In the daily yes to someone else and no to our selfishness and sin the sacrament thrives.

In reality our married life together thus far is only a small portion, God willing of life yet to come. Decades more of joy, love and laughter and moments of tears, sorrow and struggle. Relying on the grace of the sacrament to carry us through, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love and honor all the days of our life.

Saying “I do” not knowing what the future holds, but trusting and knowing who holds the future.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was 12 weeks pregnant. My husband and I were waiting in the ER to hear the test results that in our minds we already knew the answer to, but as he held my hand we hung onto every last thread of hope. As the doctor came in and sat next to my bed, the tears streamed down, he told us that we had lost our first baby. I looked at my husband and he began to cry, it was the first time I had seen him moved to such sorrow.

That afternoon we held each other, shared tears and grieved over the child we dreamed of meeting, but would never hold. The days to come were supposed to be ones of much joy, but the grief didn’t leave and I did everything in my willpower to fight the tears during Christmas Mass. I noticed however that as my husband continued to comfort me, I no longer saw any tears from him and his grief seemed to have dissipated. As the weeks went on I continued to mourn and tried to understand why this happened. I began to grow frustrated; it seemed to me that my husband had already gotten over the loss. The questions filled my mind, why does he no longer appear sad, did he not love this baby, how could he just get over it, doesn’t he understand what happened?

Needless to say arguments ensued as we tried to understand each other’s feelings. Unfortunately, it probably wasn’t until our third miscarriage when we were finally able to comprehend how we each grieved in our own way. As mothers we are so fortunate to have the instant bond with the child developing inside of us and for the fathers it comes about much more gradually as the pregnancy progresses.

My husband’s grief was seeing me suffer, not being able to take away my pain or lift me out of my sadness. His frustration came in wanting things back to normal, just wanting his wife back. Once I understood that he wasn’t dismissing my sorrow, but only trying to help me out of it, it made the healing process come about more smoothly. I would even try to laugh at one of his jokes, just to give him a little comfort that I was going to be okay.

It seems cliché to say, men and women grieve differently, but far too often we don’t understand it or take the time to communicate as to how so. Studies have shown that there is an increase in separation and divorce after miscarriage, and I am continually hearing stories of this being the case. According to a recent study, couples are 22% more likely to breakup after a miscarriage. When I think about it, it doesn’t really surprise me, this child came into being because of your love and it is love that seems shattered after the loss. Someone is missing and it’s learning how to put the pieces back together when a piece of you is no longer there.

Be patient with your spouse. Don’t give up. Realize and respect that each is grieving in their own way. Listen and be patient. It may not be easy, but cling to one another and be patient. Take the time to communicate authentically and express your feelings. Schedule a few more date nights and focus on your relationship. Reach out to other couples, who have been through similar experiences, it’s always good to know you are not alone in what you are feeling.  Looking back we know that as difficult as these times were, they brought us closer together.  It’s making your way through the storm to enjoy the sunrise.