everyday Ann

living the ordinary seeing the extraordinary

Given For You

Oof! I know these are the days I am going to look back on and miss, but these are also the days that require the most of me. Every ounce of energy at all hours of the day. To sheer exhaustion or to my breaking point.

No matter how many children you may have the vocation of motherhood is one of sacrifice. Sleepless nights, stretch marks and cold dinners. A call to love more than we knew we were ever capable of. A call to model joy and patience even when it seems to be running thin.

Writing at CatholicMom today reflecting on this very topic. These are the days when the true meaning of sacrifice is found. Loving when it is hard to show love. Being patient when we are on our last thread. Showing joy when the feeling of exhaustion and frustration has set in.

This is my body, which will be given for you. (Luke 22:19)

October Arrivals

In addition to growing a baby the past nine months I have also been working on co-authoring a book for nine months. Both our sweet baby Briella and the book Nursery of Heaven made their arrival within a week of each other. Both gifts from God and an answer to prayer!

Nursery of Heaven: Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss in the Lives of the Saints and Today’s Parents is now available for purchase on amazon! To learn more visit contemplativeheartpress.com.

Several months before starting to write the book I had been praying that God would open a door for me to share about my miscarriages. My heart had a desire to use the suffering I had experienced to somehow bring healing to another soul. Nothing short of the Holy Spirit orchestrating it all, the project began.

This book is the fruition of everything I wish I had while I went through my own miscarriages, struggled with loneliness and tried to cope with my grief and find healing. From the lives of the saints who experienced the heartache many women feel today, to parents sharing their own journey, resources for those grieving and beautiful prayers and blessings.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and I still feel like more awareness needs to be made. Yes, many strides have been taken, but more can be done. I hope this book can aide in that, offering hope and healing for women and couples as they search for meaning.

To know they are not alone in their struggle. To feel connected with others who have carried a similar cross. And to have their faith strengthened realizing in all of the heartache God has not abandoned them.

Sweet Baby Girl

Our baby girl made her arrival into the world on Monday, October 7 at 3:17am. Born on the feast of Our Lady of the Rosary, Briella Marie-Rose has stolen our hearts and her siblings are completely smitten with her. She is named after the Archangel St. Gabriel, meaning God is my strength.

I was scheduled to be induced at 41 weeks, Monday morning at 7:30am, but I was really hoping to avoid an induction knowing it increases risk being a VBAC. So I was incredibly excited when I had contractions for 3 hours on Saturday and extremely disappointed when they all of a sudden stopped.

Fast forward to 5:00am Sunday morning and the contractions started again, I leaped out of bed and started running around the house, walking in place doing everything I could to keep them coming. I knew what feast day Monday was, but didn’t know of any on Sunday so I did a quick search and was overcome with complete peace. It was the feast of Blessed Marie-Rose. A saint I had never heard of before, but Aaron and I had chosen the middle name Marie-Rose as soon as we found out our baby was a girl. It was my confirmation from heaven that everything would work out.

The contractions continued sporadically throughout the morning and then around noon they became regular around every 15 minutes. We decided to delay nap time for the little ones and go for a 3 mile walk complete with some pretty steep hills. To ensure things would continue I went for another 2 mile walk right before dinner, at this point the contractions were around every 7 minutes.

I wanted to labor as much as I could at home and also wanted to get the kids settled in for the night before heading to the hospital. So when all was said and done they were coming on strong about every 4 minutes when we arrived at the hospital about 10:00pm Sunday night.

I was ecstatic when the nurse checked me and said I was about an 8, the doctor later came in and said I was a definite 7. This was great I thought I probably only had a couple of hours left before I would be holding my sweet girl. The time marched on and contractions continued. Somewhere around 1:00am the doctor broke my water and told me to prepare for things to get intense. My goal was to hold off on an epidural for as long as I could.

The rest became somewhat of a blur. I got to the point of no return and asked for an epidural only to find out I was at a 9 and it was too late. The pain was too much to sit or lie in bed, but I was getting weaker and could tell I was on the verge of passing out. With Aaron literally holding me up as I leaned over a birthing ball I could hear the nurse call for a cart and page the doc as my blood pressure plummeted. In my mind I thought, really if this ends in a c-section all because I thought I could ride out the pain I will be so upset.

Between the cold wash cloths and some nitrous oxide my blood pressure bounced back and I was telling the nurse I was going to push. I wasn’t waiting around for things to get ready, I was pushing. Four minutes of pushing and our Briella was out!

Surprise!

It is hard to believe that in just three months this little one will be making its arrival and yet on the other hand three more months of being pregnant seems like an eternity. Honestly, how much bigger can I get.

Being the planner (and impatient one) I always like to know the gender ahead of time while Aaron prefers to wait it out until delivery day. We found out with Grace and waited with Caden although, we both had a really good hunch that it was a boy. After an extremely long winter and feeling knocked down by the first trimester I really wanted to find out the gender with this baby. Not to mention to prep Grace in case the baby was not a girl.

Aaron agreed with one exception, he would get the sealed envelope with the gender written down in it and I would not be allowed to see it. He said he would plan a gender reveal surprise for the kids and I. I agreed to it, but gave the deadline of two weeks before curiosity would get the best of me and I would just have to peak at the envelope. The kids on the other hand were a little less patient than me and tried to sneak open the envelope ahead of time.

The night started with a scavenger hunt of clues hidden around the house that led to different baby related items. The last clue led us out to the deck. Now look up into the night sky and see if it lights up like the 4th of July. If it’s pink you know it’s a girl, if it’s blue well either way the game is through.

Not everyone was excited about the reveal, the little ones were a bit terrified from the noise. As soon as it was over and Grace realized what it meant she was ecstatic to say the least!! She could barely fall asleep from all of the excitement!

I thought I would always be a boy mom, so to be adding another girl to the family is a surprise. Obviously the gender didn’t matter to us, just blessed to be able to carry another child. I am excited for Grace to have a sister, as someone who grew up with just brothers I always dreamed of having that bond. We cannot wait to meet you our sweet little girl!!

Easter People

I figure the title is still relevant being we are technically still in the Easter season. We have been adhering to the mandate of celebrating the last few weeks, leaving me a bit exhausted along with looking more 30 weeks instead of 19. In the past I have been a strict no caffeine person while pregnant and nursing, not even a drop. Not sure if it’s my advanced maternal age, chasing around four other children or the lack of sleep that has driven me to enjoy cups of the fully dieseled kind.

Well we made it, hosted two major celebrations both of 30 people or more all within a two week time frame and came out free of any major meltdowns on my part. What I learned, hosting makes you keep your house clean and beyond. Cleaning out of the normal routine; washing the outside of windows, scrubbing down outside doors, washing the walls and no matter how hard I try my patio door will always have little hand smudges on it.

In addition to Easter, this past weekend Ethan made his First Holy Communion. He was sooo excited and kept saying, “this is the best day of my life!” With all the rush of preparing for the weekend I hadn’t taken a lot of time just to reflect on his day not to mention Mass always being a circus in our pew, so I was taken a bit off guard by my emotions. I was surprised when I found my eyes filling up with tears of joy as I watched him receive Jesus for the first time. In that moment all seemed to stand still there was a beautiful period of silence in our pew and I was able to just close my eyes and bow my head as I prayed for my son.

The psalm from today’s readings spoke poignantly to my heart as I reflected on the words.

Shout joyfully to God, all the earth,
sing praise to the glory of his name;
proclaim his glorious praise.
Say to God, “How tremendous are your deeds!”

Psalm 66: 2-3

As I reflect on the past few weeks, months and years how can I not say how tremendous are His deeds, how can my very being refrain from shouting joyfully. The weekend after Easter I happened to run into a priest who once served at our parish. He knew Aaron and I prior to children and asked how my family was doing. My mind quickly raced back to Holy Saturday Vigil eight years ago. I had just found out I was miscarrying for the third time and I remember the exact pew we were sitting in.

During the homily the priest talked about how in our lives after every Good Friday there is an Easter Sunday, although we may not always see the Easter Sunday in our lifetime. I sat there holding Aaron’s hand so tightly as tears ran down my face. As my heart questioned when I would ever see Easter Sunday, when would I experience the joy. All I know is Good Friday as once again another baby is taken from me. Will there ever be an Easter Sunday in my life to follow all of this pain?

There I stood now years later telling him we were preparing to welcome our fifth child. I had to recount bodies in my house as five children sounds unthinkable to me. This, this is my Easter Sunday.