everyday Ann

living the ordinary seeing the extraordinary

Infertility Awareness Week

To the women who are longing, grieving, desiring…

Spring is a season filled with new life, from the joy of Easter, the warmer air and sunshine after the dead of winter, to new blooms and buds springing up from the earth.  But as the earth and all that is in it reechoes this mantra, for some women it may only serve as a reminder of the life they are not able to carry within them.

As women we have an emptiness inside of us made to be filled with new life; to carry, nourish and give birth to new creation.  This is a beautiful gift and natural longing. When for one reason or another it doesn’t happen, it instead leaves us feeling empty and so alone.  It can lead to grief and anger, and sometimes even resentment for our very bodies that seem to be continually failing us.

You are not alone, 1 in 8 couples struggle to have children due to infertility.  Infertility affects many couples, but often it is not something readily discussed or talked about.  Many women feel alone, because it can be hard to find someone in their circle of family or friends who may be able to relate.

You have a right to grieve, even when it seems like your feelings are dismissed. Comments from others may seem insensitive and harsh, underlying the person has good intention, but may not know the correct words to say.  Don’t take them personally, they are more unlikely trying to offer comfort in the best way they know how.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made, although it seems something is lacking, you are whole and complete. 

 

Navigating Marriage After Miscarriage

Aaron & Cassie's Wedding (1) 684It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was 12 weeks pregnant. My husband and I were waiting in the ER to hear the test results that in our minds we already knew the answer to, but as he held my hand we hung onto every last thread of hope. As the doctor came in and sat next to my bed, the tears streamed down, he told us that we had lost our first baby. I looked at my husband and he began to cry, it was the first time I had seen him moved to such sorrow.

That afternoon we held each other, shared tears and grieved over the child we dreamed of meeting, but would never hold. The days to come were supposed to be ones of much joy, but the grief didn’t leave and I did everything in my willpower to fight the tears during Christmas Mass. I noticed however that as my husband continued to comfort me, I no longer saw any tears from him and his grief seemed to have dissipated. As the weeks went on I continued to mourn and tried to understand why this happened. I began to grow frustrated; it seemed to me that my husband had already gotten over the loss. The questions filled my mind, why does he no longer appear sad, did he not love this baby, how could he just get over it, doesn’t he understand what happened?

Needless to say arguments ensued as we tried to understand each other’s feelings. Unfortunately, it probably wasn’t until our third miscarriage when we were finally able to comprehend how we each grieved in our own way. As mothers we are so fortunate to have the instant bond with the child developing inside of us and for the fathers it comes about much more gradually as the pregnancy progresses.

My husband’s grief was seeing me suffer, not being able to take away my pain or lift me out of my sadness. His frustration came in wanting things back to normal, just wanting his wife back. Once I understood that he wasn’t dismissing my sorrow, but only trying to help me out of it, it made the healing process come about more smoothly. I would even try to laugh at one of his jokes, just to give him a little comfort that I was going to be okay.

It seems cliché to say, men and women grieve differently, but far too often we don’t understand it or take the time to communicate as to how so. Studies have shown that there is an increase in separation and divorce after miscarriage, and I am continually hearing stories of this being the case. According to a recent study, couples are 22% more likely to breakup after a miscarriage. When I think about it, it doesn’t really surprise me, this child came into being because of your love and it is love that seems shattered after the loss. Someone is missing and it’s learning how to put the pieces back together when a piece of you is no longer there.

Be patient with your spouse. Don’t give up. Realize and respect that each is grieving in their own way. Listen and be patient. It may not be easy, but cling to one another and be patient. Take the time to communicate authentically and express your feelings. Schedule a few more date nights and focus on your relationship. Reach out to other couples, who have been through similar experiences, it’s always good to know you are not alone in what you are feeling.  Looking back we know that as difficult as these times were, they brought us closer together.  It’s making your way through the storm to enjoy the sunrise.

Hidden Motherhood

This is an old article and slightly dated originally posted at Catholic Exchange, but thought I would post it on my blog in case it is of help or support in any way to other women experiencing the pain of miscarriage and loss.  Since having written this, two more babies have gone to be with Our Lord.  Reading through this makes me want to take out my edit pen and rewrite it, but these were the words that were on my heart at that time and so I guess they will be…

Each year Mother’s Day brings upon me mixed emotions, I feel much gratitude and joy for my amazing mother and grandmother who have helped to shape me into the woman I am today.  At the same time I am also gripped with the sense of loss and emptiness as I recall the babies I have never been able to hold, but only carried for a short time.

There are so many women who are walking around today holding within them a secret that may have only been revealed to their husband or closest family member.  It is a secret that many women never talk about.  The whole experience remains hidden not knowing how to process their feelings and unsure of how others may react, they go on as if nothing happened.  The reality is something did.

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, but after miscarrying for the second time I questioned if this was true.  The emptiness and hurt that clenched my heart now for a second time, the anger and loneliness that fell upon me left me wishing it all would have never happened.  I began to think that maybe it would have been best if I never would have conceived than I wouldn’t be grieving over the loss of my baby and feeling this pain.  I wouldn’t have to go through the next few months acting like everything was okay as if nothing ever happened.  With further reflection upon this I realized that if this was true I also would have missed the joy and the excitement that comes from finding you are pregnant.  The instant bond and hope only a mother knows.  I would have never known the love that is felt so deeply for the child in your womb.

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With the help of God’s grace, prayer and time I was able to let go and trust.  When I found out I was pregnant for the third time I was in a different place. I was just grateful for this new life, new soul, and new creation of God.  Every morning I would thank God for the child in my womb and pray in thanksgiving for the gift of one more day to have with my baby.  Seven weeks in I found out again that this was a baby I would never meet.  Although I was filled with grief, I had to continue to thank God and referred to Job 1:21, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!”  It may have been hard to see at the time, but all is a gift!  We are all on loan from God and He decides when to draw His children back to His loving heart.

In recognizing the dignity of your child I encourage you to name the baby you have lost and do something special in memory of them.  Remember the date they passed on from this life even with something as small as a bouquet of flowers on your kitchen table.  If possible collect and bury the remains.  There are ministries out there that provide burial vessels for these tiny souls.  Talk to a priest or a deacon and ask for the “Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage.”  Acknowledge and be grateful for the beautiful baby you have been blessed with, however short the time.  This was your child and not merely tissue or the product of conception.

I am touched by the thoughtfulness of my husband who always gets me flowers on Mother’s Day and the occasional family member who will wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day.”  My motherhood continues to remain hidden, but I am blessed to have carried those three precious babies.  I may not have them with me physically, but they are my intercessors in heaven whom I call upon frequently and God willing I will meet them some day in eternity.

Although there may be times when it seems as if no one understands or feels your pain, turn to Mary she does…for she lost a child once too.